Step Four

NATURE gave us basic drives for good reasons. Without them, we wouldn't be complete human beings. If people didn't work to stay safe, find food, and build shelter, nobody would survive. Without the drive to connect with others, we wouldn't form families or communities. These core needs—for intimacy, security, and belonging—are completely necessary and natural.

But these same drives that keep us alive can easily get out of control. Sometimes they take over our lives completely. Our desires for sex, money, status, and approval can become obsessions that hurt us and everyone around us. When this happens, our natural strengths become our biggest weaknesses.

Step Four is our honest effort to figure out exactly how these drives have caused problems in our lives. We want to see clearly how, when, and where our natural desires went off track. We need to look directly at the pain this has caused others and ourselves. By understanding what's been driving our destructive behaviors, we can start to change them. Without this honest self-examination, most of us stay stuck in the same painful patterns.

Before we dive into the details of taking inventory, let's look at what the real problem is. Think about these examples: Someone who puts sex above everything else might destroy their marriage, career, and friendships. Another person might become so obsessed with money that they turn into a miser who pushes away family and friends.

Sometimes the need for security shows up as total dependence on others. This person never learns to handle life's challenges on their own. When their protectors leave or die, they're left helpless and afraid all over again.

We've also seen people who become power-hungry, trying to control everyone around them. These people often sacrifice their own security and family happiness for the illusion of control. When our basic drives are in conflict, there's no inner peace.

But the damage doesn't stop there. Every time we force our needs on others unreasonably, we create problems. If someone tramples on people to get wealthy, they create anger and resentment. If someone's sexual behavior hurts others, it causes emotional chaos. Demanding too much attention or protection from others usually makes them want to either control us or avoid us completely. When someone's need for status gets out of hand, other people suffer and often fight back. This collision of competing needs can create anything from cold rejection to open warfare.

Those of us with addiction problems should easily see that our out-of-control drives are what led to our destructive drinking or using. We used substances to numb feelings of fear, frustration, and depression. We used them to escape guilt, then used more to enable more destructive behavior. We used them to feel important and powerful. This twisted thinking is painful to examine. Our out-of-control drives don't want to be investigated.

If we tend toward depression, we might get overwhelmed with guilt and self-hatred when we start looking at ourselves. We might wallow in this misery, sometimes even enjoying the drama of it. We can sink so low that ending it all seems like the only solution. When this happens, we've lost all perspective and genuine humility. This isn't a moral inventory—it's the same thinking that led us to addiction in the first place.

If we tend toward pride or grandiosity, we'll have the opposite reaction. We'll be offended at AA's suggestion that we need an inventory. We'll point to all the good things we did before addiction took over. We'll claim that our character problems were caused by our drinking or using, not the other way around. We think that once we get sober, our "naturally good" character will return automatically.

We also like to blame our problems on other people's behavior. We tell ourselves that if only they would treat us better, we'd be fine. We think our anger is justified and reasonable. We're not the problem—they are!

This is where sponsors become invaluable. They can help because they've been through Step Four themselves. They comfort the depressed person by showing them that their problems aren't unique or worse than anyone else's. The sponsor shares their own defects openly and honestly, without making it dramatic. This realistic sharing is incredibly reassuring. The sponsor also helps the newcomer see their positive qualities alongside the negative ones. This balanced view clears away the dark mood and encourages objectivity.

Sponsors working with proud people face a different challenge. These newcomers are blinded by their own ego and can't see their problems clearly. The challenge is to help them find even a small crack in their defensive wall where some light can get in.

First, they can be told that most AA members suffered from self-justification during their drinking days. For most of us, self-justification meant making excuses—excuses for drinking and for all kinds of crazy, damaging behavior. We became experts at creating alibis. We had to drink because times were hard or times were good. We had to drink because we were either smothered with love at home or got none at all. We had to drink because we were huge successes at work or total failures. We had to drink because our country won a war or lost a peace. The excuses were endless.

We thought external "conditions" drove us to drink, and when we tried to fix these conditions and couldn't do it perfectly, our drinking got worse and we became addicts. It never occurred to us that we needed to change ourselves to deal with conditions, whatever they were.

But in AA we slowly learned that something had to be done about our vengeful resentments, self-pity, and inflated pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot, we turned people against us. We had to see that when we held grudges and planned revenge, we were really hurting ourselves with the anger we intended for others. We learned that when we were seriously disturbed, our first job was to calm that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it.

Learning to see our emotional patterns clearly often took a long time. We could spot them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves. First, we had to admit that we had these defects, even though it was painful and embarrassing. When it came to other people, we had to stop using the word "blame" in our thinking and speech. This required real willingness to change. But once we got over the first few hurdles, the path ahead started to look easier. We were beginning to see ourselves clearly, which is another way of saying we were gaining humility.

Of course, the extremely depressed person and the power-hungry person represent opposite ends of the spectrum, but both types are common in AA and in the world. Sometimes these personalities show up exactly as described. But often, each of us will fit into both categories to some degree. Since human beings are never exactly alike, each of us taking inventory will need to figure out what our individual character defects are. Once we find the shoes that fit, we need to step into them and walk with confidence that we're finally on the right path.

Now let's consider the major personality defects we all have in varying degrees. People with religious backgrounds might call these moral violations. Others will think of them as character defects. Still others will call them psychological maladjustments. Some people get annoyed if there's any talk about morality or sin. But all reasonable people will agree on one thing: there's plenty wrong with us addicts that needs to be fixed if we expect to stay sober, make progress, and develop any real ability to handle life.

To avoid getting confused about what to call these defects, let's use a universally recognized list of major human failings—the Seven Deadly Sins: pride, greed, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. Pride heads the list for good reason. Pride, leading to self-justification and driven by conscious or unconscious fears, is what creates most human problems and blocks real progress. Pride tricks us into making demands on ourselves or others that can't be met without misusing our natural drives. When satisfying our needs for sex, security, and status becomes our only focus, pride steps in to justify our excess.

All these failings create fear, which is its own form of sickness. Then fear creates even more character defects. Unreasonable fear that our drives won't be satisfied makes us want what others have, makes us crave sex and power, makes us angry when our demands are threatened, makes us jealous when others seem to get what we want. We consume, drink, and grab for more of everything than we need, afraid we'll never have enough. And genuinely afraid of hard work, we become lazy. We procrastinate or work half-heartedly at best. These fears are like termites that constantly eat away at whatever kind of life we try to build.

So when AA suggests a fearless moral inventory, it seems like we're being asked to do the impossible. Both our pride and our fear fight us every time we try to look inside ourselves. Pride says, "You don't need to do this," and Fear says, "You can't handle what you'll find!" But AA members who have actually tried a moral inventory report that this pride and fear turn out to be paper tigers. Once we become completely willing to take inventory and work hard to do it thoroughly, amazing clarity comes to this confusing situation. As we stick with it, a new kind of confidence is born, and the relief of finally facing ourselves honestly is incredible. These are the first benefits of Step Four.

By now, the newcomer has probably reached these conclusions: that their character defects, representing misdirected natural drives, have been the main cause of their drinking and their life problems; that unless they're willing to work hard at removing the worst of these defects, both sobriety and peace of mind will remain out of reach; that the shaky foundation of their life will have to be torn down and rebuilt on solid ground. Now willing to start searching for their own defects, they ask, "How exactly do I do this? How do I take inventory of myself?"

Since Step Four is just the beginning of a lifelong practice, it's suggested that they start with the personal flaws that are most obviously troublesome. Using their best judgment about what's been right and wrong, they might do a general survey of their behavior regarding their basic drives for sex, security, and belonging. Looking back over their life, they can get started by considering questions like these:

When, how, and in what specific situations did my selfish pursuit of sex damage other people and me? Who was hurt, and how badly? Did I damage my marriage and hurt my children? Did I harm my reputation in the community? How did I react to these situations at the time? Did I burn with guilt that nothing could put out? Or did I tell myself that I was the victim, not the aggressor, and let myself off the hook? How have I reacted to sexual frustration? When rejected, did I become vengeful or depressed? Did I take it out on other people? If there was rejection or coldness at home, did I use this as an excuse for affairs?

For most addicts, questions about financial and emotional security are also important. In these areas, fear, greed, possessiveness, and pride have often done their worst damage. Looking at their work or business history, almost any addict can ask questions like these: Besides my addiction problem, what character defects contributed to my financial instability? Did fear and feelings of inadequacy about my job performance destroy my confidence and fill me with inner conflict? Did I try to cover up those feelings by bluffing, cheating, lying, or avoiding responsibility? Or by complaining that others failed to recognize my exceptional abilities? Did I overvalue myself and act like a big shot? Was I so ruthlessly ambitious that I betrayed and undermined my coworkers? Was I recklessly extravagant? Did I carelessly borrow money without caring whether I could pay it back? Was I stingy, refusing to properly support my family? Did I cut corners financially? What about get-rich-quick schemes, the stock market, and gambling?

Women in AA will find that many of these questions apply to them too. But addicted homemakers can also create financial insecurity for their families. They can juggle credit cards, manipulate the grocery budget, spend afternoons gambling, and drive their partners into debt through irresponsibility, waste, and extravagance. All addicts who have lost jobs, family, and friends through their addiction need to examine themselves ruthlessly to see how their own character defects destroyed their security.

The most common signs of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression. These come from causes that sometimes seem to be inside people, and sometimes seem to come from outside. To take inventory in this area, one should carefully consider all personal relationships that bring ongoing or repeated trouble. Remember that this kind of insecurity can arise anywhere basic drives feel threatened. Questions in this area might include: Looking at both past and present, what sexual situations have caused anxiety, bitterness, frustration, or depression? Looking at each situation fairly, can one see where they were at fault? Did these problems exist because of selfishness or unreasonable demands? Or, if the disturbance seemed to be caused by other people's behavior, why doesn't the person have the ability to accept conditions they can't change? These kinds of fundamental questions can reveal the source of discomfort and show whether they might be able to change their own behavior and learn to accept what they can't control.

Suppose financial insecurity constantly triggers these same feelings. One can ask: to what extent have their own mistakes fed their gnawing anxieties? And if other people's actions are part of the cause, what can they do about that? If they can't change the current situation, are they willing to take the steps necessary to shape their life around conditions as they are? Questions like these, and others that will come to mind in each individual case, will help uncover the root causes.

But it's from twisted relationships with family, friends, and society that many have suffered the most. Many have been especially stupid and stubborn in this area. The main fact they fail to recognize is their total inability to form genuine partnerships with other human beings. Their self-centeredness creates two disastrous problems. Either they try to control the people they know, or they depend on them way too much. If they lean too heavily on people, they will eventually let them down, because they're human too and can't possibly meet constant demands. This makes their insecurity grow and fester. When they habitually try to manipulate others to get what they want, others rebel and resist them strongly. Then they develop hurt feelings, feel persecuted, and want to get revenge. As they double down on their efforts to control and continue to fail, their suffering becomes intense and constant. They never once tried to be simply one member of a family, one friend among friends, one worker among workers, one useful member of society. They always tried to climb to the top of the pile or hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior prevented genuine partnership with anyone around them. They had little understanding of true brotherhood.

Some people will object to many of these questions because they don't think their character defects have been so obvious. To these people, it can be suggested that a careful examination will likely reveal the very defects these questions address. Just because their surface behavior hasn't looked too bad doesn't mean they're off the hook—many have been shocked to discover that this is simply because they've buried these same defects deep inside them under thick layers of self-justification. Whatever their defects, they've ultimately led them to addiction and misery.

Therefore, thoroughness should be our motto when taking inventory. It's wise to write out our questions and answers. This will help us think clearly and appraise ourselves honestly. It will be the first concrete evidence of our complete willingness to move forward.