Step Nine

Good judgment, careful timing, courage, and wisdom—these are the qualities many in recovery find they need when taking Step Nine.

After making a list of people harmed, reflecting carefully on each situation, and working to develop the right attitude for moving forward, many find that making direct amends divides those to approach into several categories. There will be those who should be dealt with as soon as one becomes reasonably confident they can maintain their sobriety. There will be those to whom only partial restitution can be made, since complete disclosure might do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action should be postponed, and still others where, due to the nature of the situation, direct personal contact may never be possible.

According to AA literature, most people begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day they join Alcoholics Anonymous. The moment someone tells their family that they're really going to try the program, the process has started. In this area there are rarely any questions of timing or caution. They want to come through the door announcing the good news. After returning from their first meeting, or perhaps after finishing the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," many want to sit down with a family member and readily admit the damage they've done through their drinking. Almost always they want to go further and admit other defects that have made them hard to live with. This will be a very different conversation, in sharp contrast to those hungover mornings when they alternated between beating themselves up and blaming the family (and everyone else) for their troubles. At this first discussion, one only needs to make a general admission of their defects. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain traumatic episodes. Good judgment suggests taking time. While one may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, it's important to remember that peace of mind cannot be bought at the expense of others.

Much the same approach applies at work. One will immediately think of a few people who know all about their drinking and who have been most affected by it. But even in these cases, more discretion may be needed than was used with family. One may not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First they'll want to be reasonably certain that they're solid in their AA recovery. Then they're ready to approach these people, to tell them what AA is and what they're trying to do. Against this background they can freely admit the damage they've done and make their apologies. They can pay, or promise to pay, whatever obligations—financial or otherwise—they owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often amaze those in recovery. Even their harshest and most justified critics will frequently meet them more than halfway on the first try.

This atmosphere of approval and praise is likely to be so exciting that it throws one off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or one may be knocked off course in the other direction when, in rare cases, they get a cool and skeptical reception. This will tempt them to argue or to press their point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt them toward discouragement and pessimism. But if they've prepared themselves well in advance, such reactions won't deflect them from their steady and consistent purpose.

After taking this preliminary attempt at making amends, one may enjoy such a sense of relief that they think their task is finished. They'll want to rest on their achievements. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be overwhelming. They'll often create plausible excuses for avoiding these issues entirely. Or they may just procrastinate, telling themselves the time isn't right, when in reality they've already passed up many excellent opportunities to correct a serious wrong. It's important not to talk about prudence while practicing avoidance.

As soon as one begins to feel confident in their new way of life and has started, through their behavior and example, to convince those around them that they are indeed changing for the better, it's usually safe to talk in complete honesty with those who have been seriously affected—even those who may be only slightly or not at all aware of what was done to them. The only exceptions to make are cases where disclosure would cause actual harm. These conversations can begin casually or naturally. But if no such opportunity presents itself, at some point one will need to summon all their courage, go straight to the person involved, and put their cards on the table. There's no need to wallow in excessive guilt in front of those who were harmed, but amends at this level should always be straightforward and generous.

There can only be one consideration that should limit the desire for complete disclosure of the damage done. That will arise in the occasional situation where making a full revelation would seriously harm the person to whom amends are being made. Or—equally important—other people. One cannot, for example, dump a detailed account of extramarital affairs on an unsuspecting spouse. And even in cases where such matters must be discussed, it's important to try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It doesn't lighten one's burden when they carelessly make other people's crosses heavier.

Many sharp-edged questions can arise in other areas of life where this same principle applies. Suppose, for instance, that someone has stolen a significant amount of their company's money, whether by "borrowing" or through inflated expense accounts. Suppose this may continue to go undetected if they say nothing. Do they immediately confess their wrongdoing to the company, knowing they'll almost certainly be fired and become unemployable? Should they be so rigidly righteous about making amends that they don't care what happens to their family and home? Or should they first consult those who will be seriously affected? Should they bring the matter to their sponsor or spiritual advisor, earnestly asking God's help and guidance—while resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, whatever the cost? Of course, there's no standard answer that fits all such dilemmas. But all of them do require complete willingness to make amends as quickly and as thoroughly as possible given the circumstances.

Above all, one should try to be absolutely sure that they're not delaying because they're afraid. For the readiness to take full responsibility for past actions, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very essence of Step Nine.