What This Step Means
Step Nine is about actually making things right with the people you've harmed. After making your list in Step Eight and becoming willing to make amends, you now take action by going to these people and doing whatever you can to repair the damage you've caused. This step requires courage, humility, and a genuine desire to heal the relationships you've damaged.
The key word in this step is "direct," which means you approach people face-to-face when possible, rather than avoiding them or trying to make amends indirectly. You look them in the eye, take full responsibility for what you did, and ask what you can do to make it right. This directness shows that you're serious about making amends and that you respect the people you've harmed enough to be honest with them.
However, this step also includes an important exception. You don't make amends when doing so would cause more harm to the person you hurt or to other innocent people. Sometimes the loving thing to do is to leave people alone rather than reopening old wounds. This requires careful thought and usually guidance from your sponsor or another trusted person in recovery.
What "Direct Amends" Means
Direct amends means going to the person you harmed and talking to them honestly about what you did. When possible, this should be done in person because face-to-face conversation shows respect and sincerity. If you can't meet in person, a phone call is the next best option. Written letters can work when distance or other circumstances make direct contact impossible, but they should be personal and specific, not generic apologies.
Being direct also means being specific about what you did wrong. Instead of saying something vague like "I'm sorry for everything," you need to say exactly what you did. For example, "I'm sorry I borrowed $500 from you three years ago and never paid it back" or "I'm sorry I lied to you about where I was when I was drinking." This specificity shows that you understand the harm you caused and aren't just offering a general apology to make yourself feel better.
Direct amends also means taking full responsibility without making excuses or blaming others. You don't say, "I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you were being unreasonable." Instead, you say, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. My anger was inappropriate, and I hurt your feelings." The focus should be entirely on what you did wrong and how it affected them.
What Good Amends Include
Good amends always start with admitting specifically what you did wrong. You need to be clear and honest about your actions without minimizing them or making excuses. The person you're making amends to needs to hear that you understand exactly what you did and how it affected them. This admission shows that you've taken responsibility and that you're not trying to avoid accountability.
Next, you should express genuine regret for your actions. This isn't just saying "I'm sorry" out of habit, but truly communicating that you understand you caused pain and that you wish you hadn't. Show that you understand how your actions affected them emotionally, practically, or in other ways. This empathy is crucial for healing the relationship.
Ask what you can do to make things right. Don't just apologize and walk away - offer to take concrete action to repair the damage. If you owe money, offer to pay it back. If you broke something, offer to replace it. If you damaged their reputation, ask how you can help restore it. Be prepared to do whatever they ask, within reason.
Most importantly, commit to changing your behavior going forward. Good amends aren't just about the past - they're about the future too. Promise that you won't repeat the same mistakes, and then follow through on that promise. Let your actions over time prove that your amends were sincere and that you've really changed.
When NOT to Make Amends
Sometimes making amends would cause more harm than good, and in these cases, the loving thing to do is to refrain from making direct amends. One example is telling a spouse about affairs or other betrayals they don't know about. If they're unaware of your infidelity and bringing it up would devastate them without providing any benefit, it might be better to work on your guilt in other ways rather than burdening them with painful information.
Don't make amends when doing so would hurt innocent people. For example, if you had an affair with someone who is married, making amends to them might hurt their spouse and children who had nothing to do with your mistakes. Sometimes your amends process needs to take a back seat to protecting people who didn't choose to be involved in your problems.
Avoid making amends when doing so would create new problems or reopen old wounds that have healed. If someone has moved on from the hurt you caused and is living peacefully, disrupting their life with your need to make amends might be selfish rather than helpful. Consider whether your amends are really for their benefit or just to make yourself feel better.
Don't make amends if doing so would cause serious legal or financial consequences that would destroy your ability to support your family or continue your recovery. For example, if admitting to a crime would result in a long prison sentence that would harm your children, you might need to find other ways to make amends. However, be very careful not to use this exception as an excuse to avoid difficult but necessary amends.
Different Types of Amends
Direct financial amends are often the most straightforward type. If you owe someone money, pay it back. If you stole something, return it or pay for its replacement. If you damaged property, repair it or compensate for the damage. These concrete amends are usually welcomed because they involve real action rather than just words.
Living amends are changes in your behavior that demonstrate your sincerity over time. Instead of just saying you're sorry, you show through your actions that you've changed. For a parent, this might mean being consistently present and supportive for your children. For a friend, it might mean being trustworthy and reliable in all your interactions. Living amends often matter more than words because they prove your commitment to change.
Sometimes you need to make amends to people who have died, moved away, or refuse to see you. In these cases, you can make indirect amends by doing charitable work, helping other people in similar situations, or changing your behavior in ways that honor the memory of the person you harmed. The goal is to do something positive that addresses the type of harm you caused.
How to Make Amends
Before making any amends, talk to your sponsor or another experienced person in AA. They can help you plan what to say and how to approach each person. Some amends require careful timing and preparation, especially if the relationship has been damaged for a long time or if the harm was serious.
When you're ready to make the amends, choose an appropriate time and place. Don't ambush people or put them in uncomfortable situations. Ask if you can talk to them privately, and be respectful if they need time to think about it or if they're not ready to hear from you.
Be humble throughout the conversation. Don't defend yourself, argue about their reaction, or try to convince them to forgive you. Accept their anger if they're angry, and focus on what you can do to make things right rather than what they should do in response. Remember that their reaction is not your responsibility - your responsibility is to make sincere amends.
Be specific about what you did wrong and avoid speaking in general terms. Instead of saying "I wasn't a good friend," say "I borrowed your car and returned it with a dent without telling you, and I never offered to pay for the repair." Specific amends show that you've really thought about your actions and their impact.
Follow through on any promises you make during the amends process. If you offer to pay back money, do it according to the schedule you agreed on. If you promise to change certain behaviors, work hard to keep that promise. Your follow-through is often more important than the initial conversation because it proves your sincerity.
What Might Happen
The best-case scenario is that the person accepts your amends gracefully, forgives you, and your relationship begins to heal. Many people are surprised by how understanding and forgiving others can be when you approach them with genuine humility and a sincere desire to make things right. These positive responses can be incredibly healing for both you and the person you harmed.
However, you should also be prepared for negative reactions. Some people might reject your amends entirely, tell you they don't want to hear from you, or express anger about what you did. These reactions are understandable and might be exactly what you deserve. Your job is to accept their response gracefully and respect their feelings.
The most common response falls somewhere in between. Many people appreciate your honesty and effort to make amends, but they need time to rebuild trust. They might be cautious about the relationship or want to see consistent change in your behavior before they fully forgive you. This gradual healing process is normal and healthy.
Regardless of how people respond, most people who work Step Nine report feeling much better after making amends. Even when the amends aren't accepted, there's relief in knowing you've done the right thing and taken responsibility for your actions. You've cleaned up your side of the street, which is all you can control.
Remember the Goal
The goal of making amends is not to make people forgive you or to restore all your relationships to exactly what they were before. While these outcomes are wonderful when they happen, they're not the primary purpose of this step. Some relationships might never fully heal, and some people might never forgive you, regardless of how sincere your amends are.
The real goal is to clean up your side of the street by taking full responsibility for your actions and doing everything you can to repair the damage you've caused. When you make sincere amends, you free yourself from the guilt and shame that come from unresolved harm. You demonstrate that you've changed and that you take your recovery seriously.
Making amends is also about showing respect for the people you've harmed. By taking the time and effort to make amends, you're acknowledging their worth and the validity of their pain. You're saying that they mattered enough to you that you want to make things right, even when it's difficult or uncomfortable.
Finally, making amends is about living with integrity. When you've cleaned up the wreckage of your past as much as possible, you can move forward in your recovery without the weight of unresolved guilt. You can build new relationships and maintain old ones from a foundation of honesty and accountability.
Common Fears
Many people are terrified that the person they approach will reject them, get angry, or refuse to forgive them. While these reactions are possible, they're not reasons to avoid making amends. Remember that their reaction is not your responsibility - your responsibility is to do the right thing regardless of the outcome. Many people find that others are more forgiving than they expected.
Some people worry that making amends won't make any real difference in their relationships or their own peace of mind. While amends don't always restore relationships completely, they almost always provide some relief from guilt and shame. Even if the other person doesn't respond positively, you'll know you've done everything you could to make things right.
Others are concerned about bringing up old pain or causing the other person to relive difficult experiences. While this is a valid concern, most people appreciate honesty and accountability, even when it's about painful topics. The key is to approach them with genuine care for their wellbeing rather than just trying to relieve your own guilt.
Don't let fear of legal or financial consequences prevent you from making necessary amends, but do consult with your sponsor and possibly a lawyer if you're concerned about serious legal repercussions. Most amends don't involve admitting to crimes, and many situations can be handled in ways that allow you to take responsibility without creating devastating consequences.
After Making Amends
After you make amends to someone, take time to feel proud of your courage and honesty. Making amends is one of the most difficult things a person can do, and you should acknowledge the strength it took to face the people you've harmed and take responsibility for your actions.
Notice how much lighter you feel after clearing up old guilt. Many people are amazed by the sense of relief that comes from finally addressing hurts they've been carrying for years. This freedom from guilt is one of the greatest gifts of recovery.
Keep the promises you made during your amends. If you offered to pay back money, stick to your payment plan. If you promised to change certain behaviors, work hard to follow through. Your consistency over time will prove the sincerity of your amends and help rebuild trust.
Don't repeat the same mistakes that led to your need for amends in the first place. The best way to honor the people you've hurt is to live differently going forward. Continue working your recovery program so that you don't create new wreckage that will require future amends.
Continue working the remaining steps of the program. Step Nine isn't the end of your recovery work - it's an important milestone that prepares you for a lifetime of continued growth and service to others.
Remember
Making amends takes tremendous courage, and the fact that you're willing to do this difficult work shows how much you've grown in your recovery. You're taking responsibility for your past actions and doing everything you can to repair the damage you've caused. This is the mark of a person who has truly changed.
Not all amends will be accepted, and not all relationships will be completely healed, but that doesn't diminish the value of your efforts. You're doing this because it's the right thing to do, not because you're guaranteed a positive response. Your willingness to make amends regardless of the outcome shows the depth of your commitment to recovery.
Remember that you're cleaning up the wreckage of your past so you can build a better future. Every amends you make frees you from guilt and shame and allows you to move forward with integrity. You're proving to yourself and others that you're capable of change and that you take your recovery seriously.
This step leads to incredible freedom and peace when you've done everything possible to repair the harm you've caused. Trust the process, be patient with the results, and know that you're doing some of the most important work of your recovery.