What This Step Means
Step Five is about sharing your truth with others. After writing your honest inventory in Step Four, you now need to take the courageous step of telling someone else what you discovered about yourself. This step involves sharing your secrets, your character defects, and your past mistakes with a trusted person who can listen without judgment and offer support.
This step has three important parts. First, you admit your wrongs to God or your Higher Power, asking for help and forgiveness. Second, you admit them to yourself fully and completely, without making excuses or minimizing your actions. Third, and perhaps most importantly, you admit them to another human being who can understand and support you.
The purpose of Step Five is not to punish yourself or to make you feel worse about your past. Instead, it's about breaking the power that secrets have over your life. When you share your truth with another person, you discover that you're not as uniquely terrible as you thought, and you're no longer alone with your burdens.
Why This Step Is Necessary
Keeping secrets makes you sick in many ways. When you carry shame and guilt alone, these feelings grow stronger and more painful over time. Secrets create walls between you and other people, making it impossible to have truly close relationships. You always have to be careful about what you say and do, worried that someone might discover your hidden truths.
When you share your secrets with a trusted person, several healing things happen. First, you discover that you're not alone in having made mistakes. The person listening to you has probably done similar things or knows other people who have. This helps you realize that you're not uniquely bad or unforgivable.
Second, speaking your secrets out loud takes away much of their power to hurt you. Things that seemed enormous and terrible when they were hidden in your mind often seem much more manageable when you say them to another person. The shame that felt overwhelming when you carried it alone becomes lighter when it's shared.
Third, you practice being completely honest with another human being. This is excellent preparation for having honest relationships throughout your recovery. When you can be honest about your worst mistakes, you can be honest about smaller, everyday things too.
Who to Share With
Choosing the right person to hear your Step Five is very important. You need someone who will listen without judging you harshly, someone who can keep your confidences private, and someone who understands addiction and recovery well enough to be helpful. This person should make you feel safe and accepted, not criticized or condemned.
Many people choose their AA sponsor for Step Five because sponsors understand the program and have usually done their own Step Five. Sponsors know that everyone in recovery has made serious mistakes, and they're trained to listen with compassion rather than judgment. They can also offer guidance about how to move forward after sharing your inventory.
Some people prefer to share their Step Five with a member of the clergy, such as a priest, minister, rabbi, or other spiritual leader. These people are often trained in listening to confessions or personal sharing, and they understand the importance of confidentiality. They can also provide spiritual perspective and guidance.
Others choose a therapist or counselor who understands addiction. Mental health professionals are bound by confidentiality and are trained to listen without judgment. They can help you process the emotions that come up during Step Five and provide professional insight into your patterns of behavior.
Some people share their Step Five with another trusted AA member who has been in recovery for a long time. The key is choosing someone who will respect your honesty, keep your secrets safe, and help you see your sharing as a positive step toward healing rather than something to be ashamed of.
How to Do This Step
Preparing for Step Five is important because this can be an emotional and vulnerable experience. Choose a time and place where you can talk privately without interruptions. Many people prefer to meet in the listener's home, at a quiet restaurant, or in a private office rather than in a public place where others might overhear.
Bring your written inventory with you so you can read through it systematically. Some people like to read their entire inventory word for word, while others prefer to summarize the main points and discuss the most important patterns. Either approach is fine, as long as you're being honest and thorough.
Ask your Higher Power for courage before you begin. This step can feel very scary, and it's normal to feel nervous about sharing such personal information. Remember that you're doing this to get better, and your Higher Power wants you to heal and be free from the burden of carrying these secrets alone.
During the sharing, try to be as honest and specific as possible. Don't skip over the embarrassing parts or minimize your actions. The person listening needs to understand the full extent of your character defects and past mistakes in order to help you effectively. Remember that they've probably heard similar stories before and won't be shocked by what you share.
After you finish sharing, take time to listen to any feedback or perspective the person wants to offer. They might help you see patterns you missed, or they might reassure you about things you've been worried about. Their outside perspective can be very valuable in helping you understand yourself better.
What Might Happen
People have many different experiences during Step Five, and all of them are normal. You might feel scared and nervous before you start sharing. This is completely understandable given how vulnerable this step is. Many people feel like they want to run away or change their mind, but these feelings usually pass once they begin talking.
As you share your inventory, you might feel a sense of relief growing stronger with each secret you reveal. Many people describe feeling like a weight is being lifted off their shoulders as they finally speak truths they've been hiding for years. You might be surprised by how understanding and accepting the listener is.
You might also feel emotional as you share. Some people cry during Step Five, either from relief, sadness about their past, or gratitude for being accepted despite their mistakes. It's perfectly normal to have strong emotions during this step, and the person listening will understand.
The person you've chosen to hear your Step Five might share some of their own experiences or offer encouragement. They might help you see that your mistakes don't define you and that you have many positive qualities too. They might offer suggestions for how to handle difficult situations differently in the future.
Some people feel immediate relief after completing Step Five, while others need time to process the experience. Either reaction is normal. What's important is that you've taken this crucial step toward honesty and healing.
Common Fears
What This Step Gives You
Completing Step Five brings many important benefits to your recovery and your life. First and most importantly, you no longer feel alone in the world with your secrets and shame. You've shared your truth with another person who accepted you despite knowing your worst mistakes. This experience of being known and accepted is profoundly healing.
Second, your secrets lose much of their power to hurt you. Things that seemed enormous and overwhelming when you kept them hidden often seem much more manageable once you've spoken them aloud. The shame that felt unbearable when you carried it alone becomes lighter when it's shared with someone who understands.
Third, you experience real intimacy with another human being. When you can be completely honest about your character defects and past mistakes, you discover what it feels like to be truly known by another person. This prepares you for having deeper, more honest relationships throughout your recovery.
Fourth, you practice rigorous honesty, which is a cornerstone of recovery. If you can be honest about your worst behaviors, you can be honest about smaller, everyday things too. This helps you build a foundation of honesty that will serve you well in all areas of your life.
Finally, you're ready to move on to the next steps in your recovery. Step Five prepares you for Step Six and Seven, where you'll work on changing the character defects you've identified. You can't change what you haven't first acknowledged and shared.
The Three Parts
Step Five involves admitting your wrongs to three parties, and each part is important. Admitting to God or your Higher Power involves asking for help, forgiveness, and the strength to change. This spiritual component helps you understand that you're not alone in your efforts to become a better person.
Admitting to yourself means being completely honest about your character and your actions without making excuses or minimizing your behavior. This requires facing the full truth about yourself, which can be difficult but is necessary for real change to occur.
Admitting to another human being provides the human connection and support that you need for healing. Another person can offer perspective, encouragement, and the experience of being accepted despite your imperfections. This human element is crucial for breaking the isolation that often accompanies addiction.
What Happens Next
After completing Step Five, you're prepared for the remaining steps of the program. You know exactly what character defects you need to work on because you've identified them clearly in your inventory and shared them with another person. You've practiced the kind of honesty that will be necessary for making amends to people you've harmed.
You also have a relationship with someone who knows you well and can support you as you continue working on your recovery. Whether this person is your sponsor, a spiritual advisor, or another trusted friend, they can provide ongoing guidance and encouragement as you grow and change.
Most importantly, you've proven to yourself that you can face difficult truths and survive. You've discovered that being honest about your mistakes doesn't destroy you but actually makes you stronger and freer. This gives you confidence to continue working on yourself and facing whatever challenges come up in recovery.
Remember
Taking Step Five requires enormous courage, and you should feel proud of yourself for being willing to be so honest and vulnerable. Every person in AA has taken this step, and they all felt nervous about it too. You're not alone in having made mistakes or in feeling scared about sharing them.
The person you choose to hear your Step Five wants to help you, not judge you. They understand that sharing this inventory is part of your healing process, and they're honored that you trust them enough to be so honest with them. Remember that their role is to listen with compassion and support, not to criticize or condemn.
Your secrets don't define you, and sharing them doesn't make you a bad person. Everyone has things they're ashamed of, and the willingness to face these things honestly is actually a sign of strength and maturity. You're doing this because you want to get better and build a life based on honesty and integrity.
Most importantly, remember that Step Five is about healing and freedom, not punishment. The purpose is to free you from the burden of carrying secrets alone and to help you build the kind of honest relationships that will support your recovery for years to come. Trust the process, be brave, and know that this difficult step leads to greater peace and happiness.