Secular Step Three

PRACTICING Step Three is like opening a door that appears locked but only needs the right approach. All we need is one key, and that key is willingness. Once unlocked by willingness, the door opens almost naturally, and looking through it, we see a pathway with an inscription reading: "This is the way to a life that works." In the first two Steps we were engaged in recognition and acceptance. We saw that we were powerless over alcohol, but we also recognized that guidance greater than our isolated will was both possible and effective. These insights required only acknowledgment; they didn't demand action.

Like all the remaining Steps, Step Three calls for decisive action, for it is only through action that we can clear away the self-centeredness that has always blocked the entry of wisdom—whether from community, evidence-based practices, or our own deepest values—into our daily decisions. Trust, to be sure, is necessary, but trust alone accomplishes nothing. We can trust in good principles yet keep them out of our actual lives. Therefore our challenge now becomes exactly how and by what specific means we can let this guidance actually direct our choices. Step Three represents our first serious attempt to do this. In fact, the effectiveness of the entire recovery process will depend on how earnestly we have tried to come to "a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of" whatever sources of wisdom we have found trustworthy.

To every practical-minded newcomer, this Step looks difficult, even impossible. No matter how much one wishes to try, exactly how can someone turn their own will and their own life over to the care of values, community wisdom, or evidence-based practices? Fortunately, we who have attempted it, with equal doubts, can testify that anyone at all can begin to do it. We can further add that a beginning, even the smallest, is all that is needed. Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and opened the door even slightly, we find that we can always open it further. Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness.

Maybe this all sounds abstract and impractical, like advanced philosophy or theoretical psychology. It isn't at all. Let's examine how practical it actually is. Every person who has joined a recovery community and intends to stay has, without realizing it, made a beginning on Step Three. Isn't it true that in all matters concerning alcohol, each of them has decided to turn their life over to the care, protection, and guidance of proven recovery principles? Already a willingness has been achieved to set aside one's own ideas about the alcohol problem in favor of approaches suggested by people who have successfully recovered. Any willing newcomer feels certain that these tested approaches represent their only reliable path forward. Now if this is not turning one's will and life over to trusted guidance, then what is it?

But suppose instinct still objects, as it certainly will: "Yes, regarding alcohol, I suppose I have to depend upon these recovery principles, but in all other matters I must maintain my independence. Nothing is going to turn me into someone who can't think for themselves. If I keep turning my life and will over to the care of something or someone else, what will become of me? I'll disappear entirely." This, of course, is how instinct and habitual thinking seek to protect ego and prevent genuine growth. The trouble is that this kind of thinking ignores the actual evidence. And the evidence seems to be this: The more we become willing to align with wisdom greater than our immediate impulses, the more genuinely independent we actually become. Therefore, this kind of dependence is really a means of gaining true freedom.

Let's examine this idea of dependence at the level of everyday living. In this area it's startling to discover how dependent we really are, and how unconscious of that dependence. Every modern home has electrical systems carrying power throughout the structure. We are delighted with this dependence; our main hope is that nothing will disrupt the supply of electricity. By accepting our dependence upon this marvel of technology, we find ourselves more independent personally. Not only are we more independent, we are more comfortable and secure. Power flows exactly where it's needed. Silently and reliably, electricity—that force so few people understand—meets our simplest daily needs and our most critical ones too. Ask anyone who depends on medical equipment to sustain their life how they feel about depending completely on reliable power systems.

But the moment our emotional or psychological independence is questioned, how differently we behave. How insistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves exactly what we should think and how we should act. Oh yes, we'll consider various options. We'll listen politely to those who offer advice, but all the final decisions must be ours alone. Nobody is going to interfere with our personal independence in such matters. Besides, we think, there is no one we can completely trust. We are convinced that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can properly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we inhabit. This proud philosophy, wherein each person acts as their own ultimate authority, sounds impressive when stated, but it still must meet the practical test: how well does it actually work? One honest look at our drinking history ought to provide the answer for any of us.

Should our own track record be too painful to contemplate (and it usually is), we might first examine the results that supposedly well-adjusted people are getting from complete self-sufficiency. Everywhere we see people filled with anger and fear, society fragmenting into opposing groups. Each faction declares to the others, "We are right and you are wrong." Every such group, if it has enough power, self-righteously imposes its will upon others. And everywhere the same pattern repeats itself on an individual basis. The sum of all this tremendous effort is less peace and less cooperation than before. The philosophy of absolute self-sufficiency is not delivering on its promises. Clearly, it is a destructive force whose final achievement is chaos and isolation.

Therefore, we who have struggled with alcohol can consider ourselves fortunate in a way. Each of us has had our own near-catastrophic encounter with the limitations of self-will, and has suffered enough under its weight to be willing to seek something better. So it is by circumstance rather than by any special virtue that we have been driven to recovery, have admitted our limitations, have acquired some trust in guidance beyond ourselves, and now want to make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to sources of wisdom we have found reliable.

Understanding Healthy Dependence

We realize that the word "dependence" is as disturbing to many counselors and therapists as it is to people in recovery. Like our professional advisors, we too understand that there are unhealthy forms of dependence. We have experienced many of them. No adult, for example, should remain in excessive emotional dependence upon a parent. Such relationships should have evolved long before, and if they haven't, they need attention. This very form of problematic dependence has caused many a rebellious person to conclude that dependence of any sort must be damaging. But dependence upon sound recovery principles or upon a supportive community has not produced harmful results.

When major life challenges arise, this principle of trusting reliable guidance gets its real test. People in recovery face job loss, relationship difficulties, health problems, and family crises scattered throughout their lives. Will they be able to accept appropriate help, follow sound advice, and maintain their equilibrium during such stress? Will the kind of trust they have learned in recovery carry them through? Experience shows that it does. They have even fewer relapses or emotional breakdowns than people who try to handle such challenges through individual effort alone. They prove just as capable of resilience and effective action as anyone else. Whether facing financial difficulties or family emergencies, their willingness to seek and follow good guidance works reliably. And far from being a weakness, this willingness becomes their chief source of strength.

So how, exactly, can the willing person continue to turn their will and their life over to trusted guidance? They made a beginning, we have seen, when they started to rely upon recovery principles for their alcohol problem. By now, though, they have likely become convinced that they have more problems than just alcohol, and that some of these refuse to be solved by sheer personal determination and effort alone. These problems simply will not budge; they create misery and threaten hard-won sobriety. Our friend is still tormented by regret and guilt when thinking of past mistakes. Resentment still overwhelms them when they dwell on people they envy or resent. Financial insecurity causes constant worry, and panic strikes when they consider all the damage that alcohol caused in their relationships. And how will they ever repair the terrible harm that cost them the affection of family members and separated them from loved ones? Individual courage and unaided will cannot solve these problems. Clearly they must now depend upon sources of guidance beyond their isolated thinking.

At first that guidance is likely to come from their closest recovery friend or sponsor. They rely upon the assurance that their many troubles, now more acute because they cannot use alcohol to numb the pain, can indeed be resolved. Of course their guide points out that our friend's life is still unmanageable even though they are sober, that after all, only a small beginning on recovery's full program has been made. Mere sobriety achieved through admitting powerlessness and attending some meetings is valuable indeed, but it falls far short of lasting sobriety and a genuinely satisfying, useful life. That is exactly where the remaining Steps of the recovery program become essential. Nothing short of continuous action on these principles as a way of life can bring the much-desired results.

Then it is explained that other Steps of the recovery program can be practiced successfully only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial. This statement may surprise newcomers who have experienced nothing but constant deflation and a growing conviction that personal will is worthless. They have become persuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to direct assault powered by individual effort alone. But now it appears that there are certain things that only the individual can do. All by themselves, and in light of their own circumstances, they need to develop the quality of willingness. When they acquire willingness, they are the only ones who can make the decision to act on it. Choosing to make this effort is an act of their own will. All Twelve Steps require sustained and personal commitment to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to the wisdom they represent.

Aligning Personal Will with Guiding Principles

It is when we try to make our will conform with trustworthy guidance that we begin to use it properly. To all of us, this was a wonderful revelation. Our whole problem had been the misuse of willpower. We had tried to attack our difficulties with it instead of attempting to bring it into alignment with reliable principles and community wisdom. To make this increasingly possible is the purpose of recovery's Twelve Steps, and Step Three opens this door.

Once we have embraced these concepts, it becomes relatively easy to begin practicing Step Three. In all moments of emotional disturbance or indecision, we can pause, seek clarity, and calmly ask ourselves: "What do my deepest values require of me right now? What would the wisest course of action be? What approach has worked for others in similar situations?" Then we can choose the path that aligns with our principles rather than our immediate impulses.

For those who find spiritual language helpful, the traditional Serenity Prayer works perfectly: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Thy will, not mine, be done." For those preferring secular approaches, we might pause and reflect: "Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot control, courage to take appropriate action where I can make a difference, and wisdom to distinguish between the two. May I choose what serves my highest values rather than my lowest impulses."

The Daily Practice of Surrender

Step Three surrender happens not once, but daily, sometimes moment by moment. Each morning we can consciously choose to align our day with our values rather than our moods. We can commit to following through on our recovery practices regardless of how we feel. We can decide to seek input from trusted friends before making important decisions, and to consider the likely consequences of our choices rather than just their immediate appeal.

When facing challenges throughout the day, instead of immediately reacting from emotion or habit, we can pause and ask: What response would be most consistent with the person I want to be? What would someone I respect do in this situation? What approach has the best chance of producing results I can live with?

This is not passive submission to external authority. This is active choice to let our highest wisdom guide our decisions rather than our immediate impulses, emotions, or ingrained patterns of thinking that have historically led us astray.

Values as Our Higher Power

For many in secular recovery, our core values become our "higher power"—not because they are supernatural, but because they represent guidance that is higher than our momentary moods, impulses, and self-centered thinking. When we act from our values rather than our immediate desires, we tap into something larger and more reliable than our ever-changing emotional states.

These values might include honesty, compassion, responsibility, courage, fairness, and service to others. They represent the best of human wisdom accumulated over generations. When we surrender to these principles, we're not surrendering to something foreign, but to the deepest and most reliable parts of ourselves—the parts that persist beyond temporary feelings and circumstances.

Living from values requires daily choice. We choose honesty when lying would be easier. We choose responsibility when blame would be more comfortable. We choose compassion when judgment feels more satisfying. We choose courage when fear urges retreat. These choices gradually reshape our character and our experience of life.

Community Wisdom as Guidance

The recovery community itself often serves as a source of guidance greater than individual will. The collective experience of thousands of people who have successfully maintained sobriety represents a form of knowledge that no individual could develop alone. This community wisdom shows up in the form of shared strategies, time-tested principles, and the lived experience of people who have faced similar challenges.

When we surrender to community wisdom, we're acknowledging that we don't need to figure everything out by ourselves. We can learn from others' successes and failures. We can follow approaches that have worked consistently for many people rather than trying to invent our own solutions to problems that have already been solved.

This doesn't mean blind obedience to group think. It means willingness to consider and test approaches that have proven effective for others, even when these approaches challenge our preconceptions or require us to change comfortable habits.

Evidence-Based Practices as Higher Power

For those with scientific or medical backgrounds, evidence-based practices can serve as the "guidance greater than ourselves." We can surrender to what research has shown to be effective rather than clinging to untested theories or wishful thinking.

This might mean following medication protocols even when we don't understand exactly how they work. It might mean practicing mindfulness or cognitive-behavioral techniques that have demonstrated effectiveness in clinical trials. It might mean maintaining sleep schedules, exercise routines, and nutritional practices that research has shown to support mental health and recovery.

Surrendering to evidence means being willing to do what works rather than what we prefer, and to change our approach when new evidence suggests better methods.

The Paradox of Dependence and Independence

As we practice Step Three, we discover a paradox: the more we depend on reliable guidance, the more genuinely independent we become. This happens because we're no longer slaves to our impulses, moods, and compulsive behaviors. Instead of being driven by whatever we happen to feel at the moment, we're guided by consistent principles that serve our long-term wellbeing.

True independence isn't the ability to ignore all outside influence—that's actually a form of imprisonment to our own limitations. True independence is the ability to choose wisely among the influences that surround us, to seek out guidance that serves our highest good, and to act on that guidance consistently regardless of momentary preferences.

When we surrender to what is wise and helpful, we become free from what is destructive and compulsive. We trade the false independence of addiction for the genuine freedom of principled living.

Practical Applications

Step Three manifests in countless practical ways. We ask for advice before making major decisions rather than insisting on figuring everything out alone. We follow through on commitments even when we don't feel like it, trusting that consistency serves us better than mood-based behavior. We practice honesty even when lies would be more convenient, trusting that truthfulness leads to better relationships and self-respect.

We show up to recovery meetings even when we don't want to, trusting that the discipline of participation serves us better than the impulse to isolate. We follow our sponsor's suggestions even when we don't fully understand their value, trusting that their experience offers guidance our limited perspective cannot provide.

We choose responses to conflict that align with our values rather than our immediate anger. We make financial decisions based on our long-term security rather than immediate desires. We treat our bodies with respect through proper sleep, nutrition, and exercise even when we'd rather be careless.

Handling Resistance

Our ego will regularly resist Step Three surrender. It will argue that we're losing our autonomy, that we should be able to handle things ourselves, that following outside guidance is somehow weak or inauthentic. This resistance is normal and predictable.

When resistance arises, we can examine it with curiosity rather than fighting it or surrendering to it. We can ask ourselves: Is this resistance serving my best interests, or is it protecting habits and attitudes that have consistently led to problems? What am I afraid of losing if I follow this guidance? What might I gain?

We can also remember that surrender in Step Three is not permanent and irreversible. We're not signing away our capacity for independent thought. We're simply choosing to test approaches that have worked for others rather than insisting on learning everything through personal trial and error.

The Ongoing Choice

Step Three is not a one-time decision but an ongoing practice. Each day presents us with countless opportunities to choose between self-will and surrender to guidance. Do we respond to stress with our habitual patterns, or do we pause and choose a response that aligns with our values? Do we make decisions based on immediate gratification, or do we consider what serves our long-term wellbeing?

The practice becomes easier over time as we accumulate evidence that surrender to reliable guidance produces better results than stubborn self-reliance. We develop confidence in the process by observing its fruits in our daily experience.

Integration with Personal Responsibility

Step Three surrender doesn't eliminate personal responsibility—it clarifies it. We become responsible for seeking out trustworthy guidance, for testing its value in our experience, and for following through on the actions it suggests. We become responsible for developing our own capacity to discern between helpful and harmful influences.

This is active surrender, not passive submission. We're not turning our lives over to just anyone or anything. We're carefully choosing to align ourselves with sources of wisdom that have demonstrated their value through consistent results.

The Foundation for Further Growth

Step Three provides the foundation for all subsequent steps. We cannot effectively examine our character defects (Step Four) if we're still insisting that our perspective is always accurate. We cannot make genuine amends (Steps Eight and Nine) if we're still protecting our ego above all else. We cannot help others effectively (Step Twelve) if we're still primarily focused on our own needs and preferences.

By establishing our willingness to be guided by wisdom greater than our immediate self-interest, Step Three makes possible the character development and service that define long-term recovery.

Whether we understand this guidance in spiritual terms, as community wisdom, as evidence-based practices, or as our own highest values, the result is the same: we find that we are not condemned to repeat our mistakes indefinitely. Real change becomes possible when we stop insisting on learning everything the hard way and start accepting guidance from sources that have already solved the problems we face.

This is Step Three in action: the daily choice to let wisdom guide our will, to let principles shape our choices, and to let tested approaches direct our actions. Through this surrender, we discover not weakness, but strength—not dependence, but freedom—not the loss of ourselves, but the discovery of who we really are when we're not driven by compulsion, defensiveness, and the exhausting effort to control everything through individual will alone.