Secular Step Nine

GOOD judgment, careful timing, courage, and genuine humility—these are the qualities we need when we take Step Nine. The transition from creating our list of people harmed to actually approaching them with amends represents one of the most significant challenges in recovery. It requires us to move beyond the safety of private reflection and risk real-world consequences in the service of integrity and healing.

For those preferring secular approaches, Step Nine represents our commitment to practical accountability and restorative justice. We are not seeking magical transformation or divine intervention, but rather demonstrating through concrete actions that we have changed and that we take responsibility for repairing damage we have caused. The process is grounded in evidence-based principles: people heal through acknowledgment of harm, relationships improve through honest communication and consistent behavior, and our own recovery deepens through facing rather than avoiding the consequences of our actions.

After we have completed our Step Eight list, reflected carefully on each relationship, and developed genuine willingness to make repairs, we discover that the people we need to approach divide into several categories. There will be those we should contact as soon as we have reasonable confidence in our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial disclosure, because complete revelation would cause more harm than healing. There will be cases where timing requires careful consideration, and others where direct personal contact may never be possible or appropriate.

Starting Close to Home

Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we commit seriously to recovery. The moment we tell our families that we are genuinely going to change our relationship with alcohol, the amends process has begun. In this domain there are seldom questions of timing or caution—we want to come through the door with authentic good news. After attending our first support meeting, or perhaps after we have read recovery literature that resonates with us, we usually want to sit down with family members and honestly acknowledge the damage our drinking caused.

Almost always we want to go further and admit other behaviors that made us difficult to live with. This will be a very different conversation than those morning-after occasions when we alternated between self-condemnation and blaming everyone else for our troubles. At this first real conversation, it is sufficient to make a general acknowledgment of our defects and their impact. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash specific painful incidents in detail. Good judgment suggests we should take our time. While we may feel ready to reveal everything, we must remember that we cannot purchase our own peace of mind at the expense of others' emotional wellbeing.

This honest acknowledgment typically produces surprising results. Family members who have endured years of disappointment, lies, and unpredictable behavior often respond with cautious hope when they witness genuine accountability without defensiveness. They may not trust immediately—and they shouldn't—but they can usually recognize the difference between sincere acknowledgment and another attempt at manipulation.

Workplace and Professional Amends

Much the same approach applies in professional settings, though often with greater need for discretion. We immediately think of colleagues or supervisors who know about our drinking problems and have been most affected by our unreliability or poor performance. But even in these cases, we may need more careful timing than we required with family members.

We may not want to say anything for several weeks or longer, until we feel reasonably certain that our commitment to recovery is solid. Then we can approach these people to explain what we are doing and what we hope to accomplish. Against this background of demonstrated change, we can acknowledge the specific damage we caused and make appropriate apologies. We can repay financial obligations or make concrete plans to address professional harm we created.

The response of most people to such quiet sincerity often astonishes us. Even our severest and most justified critics frequently meet us more than halfway when they see genuine accountability accompanied by consistent behavioral change. People who have written us off as unreliable may become some of our strongest supporters when they witness sustained transformation rather than temporary promises.

Managing Our Reactions to Others' Responses

This atmosphere of approval and acceptance can be so encouraging that it throws us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more positive feedback. Or we may be tipped in the other direction when, in some cases, we receive cool or skeptical responses. This may tempt us to argue our case, to press our point insistently, or to become discouraged and pessimistic.

But if we have prepared ourselves properly, understanding that amends are about our integrity rather than others' reactions, such responses will not deflect us from our steady purpose. We make amends to clean up our side of the street, not to control how others respond to our efforts. Some people will forgive quickly, others will need time to observe sustained change, and still others may never trust us again regardless of our efforts. All of these responses are understandable and acceptable.

The key is maintaining our focus on what we can control: the thoroughness of our acknowledgment, the sincerity of our remorse, the specificity of our restitution plans, and the consistency of our changed behavior going forward. We cannot control whether others forgive us, trust us, or welcome us back into their lives, but we can ensure that we have done everything reasonable to repair the damage we caused.

Avoiding the Temptation to Stop Halfway

After completing these initial, relatively comfortable amends, we may experience such relief that we conclude our work is finished. We want to rest on our accomplishments. The temptation to avoid the more humiliating and dreaded conversations that remain may be overwhelming. We often manufacture plausible excuses for avoiding these harder cases entirely, or we simply procrastinate, telling ourselves the timing isn't right when in reality we have already passed up many opportunities to address serious wrongs.

This is where we must be honest about whether we are practicing prudence or simply avoiding discomfort. True prudence considers others' wellbeing and chooses appropriate timing; avoidance considers only our own comfort and finds reasons to postpone indefinitely. The difference is usually clear if we are honest with ourselves and seek input from trusted advisors.

Recovery requires that we face the amends we least want to make, not only the ones that feel manageable. The people we most want to avoid approaching are often the ones most deserving of our acknowledgment and repair efforts. These difficult amends often provide the greatest relief and the most significant healing for everyone involved.

The Principles of Complete Disclosure

As soon as we begin to feel confident in our recovery and have demonstrated through consistent behavior that we are genuinely changing, it becomes safe to approach those who have been seriously affected by our actions, even those who may be only partially aware of what we did to them. We make only one exception: cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm to them or to others.

These conversations can begin naturally if appropriate opportunities arise, but we should not wait indefinitely for perfect circumstances. At some point we must summon our courage, approach the person directly, and lay our cards on the table. We should not wallow in excessive remorse or dramatic displays of guilt, but amends at this level should always be forthright and generous.

The goal is not to make ourselves feel better by confessing everything, but to provide appropriate acknowledgment and repair to people we have harmed. This distinction is crucial: amends focused on relieving our guilt often cause more harm than healing, while amends focused on the other person's needs and wellbeing typically produce positive results even when the conversation is initially difficult.

When Complete Disclosure Would Cause Harm

There is only one consideration that should limit our desire for complete disclosure of damage we have caused: situations where full revelation would seriously harm the person to whom we are making amends, or other innocent people. We cannot, for example, provide detailed accounts of extramarital affairs to an unsuspecting spouse. And even in cases where such matters must be discussed, we should try to avoid harming third parties. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make others' crosses heavier.

This principle applies to many complex situations. Suppose we have stolen money from our employer, whether by direct theft or fraudulent expense accounts. Suppose this may never be detected if we remain silent. Do we immediately confess our actions to the company, knowing we will likely be fired and become unemployable? Are we going to be so rigidly focused on our own honesty that we ignore what happens to our family and dependents? Or do we first consult those who would be gravely affected? Do we discuss the matter with our sponsor or counselor, earnestly seeking guidance while resolving to do the right thing once it becomes clear, regardless of the cost?

There are no simple answers to such dilemmas. Each situation requires careful consideration of all affected parties and consultation with wise advisors who understand both recovery principles and practical consequences. But all such decisions require complete willingness to make appropriate amends as quickly and thoroughly as possible within the constraints of the specific situation.

Direct vs. Indirect Amends

Some people on our list cannot be approached directly for various reasons: they may have died, moved away, or explicitly requested no contact. Others may be protected by restraining orders or other legal barriers. Still others may be so vulnerable that direct contact would genuinely harm them rather than help.

In such cases we make indirect amends through our actions rather than our words. We might contribute to causes they cared about, be especially kind to their family members, or simply live our lives in ways that honor their memory or wellbeing. These living amends demonstrate our changed character through sustained behavior rather than through conversation.

For example, if we harmed our children through our drinking but they are not yet ready for direct conversation about those experiences, we make living amends by being consistently present, reliable, and honest in our current interactions with them. If we caused financial harm to someone who has cut off contact, we might set aside money for eventual restitution when contact becomes possible, or donate equivalent amounts to organizations serving people in similar circumstances.

Living amends are not second-choice options but powerful demonstrations of genuine change. Sometimes they communicate more effectively than words ever could. They prove that our amends process is about actual transformation rather than just guilt relief or relationship repair.

Financial Restitution

Many of our amends involve financial restitution for money we borrowed, stole, or wasted. These material amends are often the most straightforward to understand and execute, though they may require considerable time and creativity to complete.

We should be realistic about our financial capacity while demonstrating genuine commitment to repayment. A person who owes thousands of dollars cannot repay everything immediately, but they can establish a reasonable payment plan and stick to it consistently. The reliability of payments often matters more than their size—people can see that we are serious about our obligations when we send the agreed-upon amount on schedule, month after month.

When direct financial repayment is impossible, we can seek creative alternatives that provide genuine value. This might involve working for the person we owe, providing services they need, or helping them with projects that save them money. The important thing is that our restitution represents genuine sacrifice and effort rather than empty gestures.

Financial amends also include being scrupulously honest about money going forward. We pay our debts promptly, keep our financial commitments, and never again take what doesn't belong to us. This ongoing honesty demonstrates that our amends represent permanent change rather than temporary guilt relief.

Emotional and Relational Repair

Some of the most important amends involve emotional and relational harm that cannot be repaired through words or money alone. These amends require sustained behavioral change that gradually rebuilds trust and demonstrates our transformation.

For family members who endured years of disappointment, broken promises, and emotional unavailability, our amends involve becoming consistently present, reliable, and honest. We show up for important events, follow through on commitments, and communicate openly about our struggles and progress.

For friends who felt abandoned or betrayed, our amends involve demonstrating genuine interest in their lives, offering support during their difficulties, and gradually rebuilding connection through shared positive experiences. We cannot demand that relationships return to their previous state, but we can consistently offer the kind of friendship we should have provided all along.

For professional relationships damaged by our unreliability or poor performance, our amends involve demonstrating excellence, integrity, and teamwork that gradually rebuilds our reputation. We become the colleague or employee we should have been from the beginning.

The Role of Humility in Amends

Effective amends require genuine humility—not self-abasement or dramatic displays of guilt, but honest recognition of our impact on others and sincere commitment to doing better. This humility manifests in several ways.

We acknowledge specific harm we caused without minimizing or making excuses. We take full responsibility for our actions and their consequences. We express genuine remorse that focuses on the other person's experience rather than our own guilt. We ask what we can do to make things right rather than assuming we know what they need. We accept their response to our amends without argument or manipulation.

Most importantly, we demonstrate humility through changed behavior that supports our words. People judge our amends not by our eloquence but by our consistency in living differently than we did before.

Common Mistakes in Making Amends

Self-Centered Amends: Some people make amends primarily to relieve their own guilt rather than to acknowledge the other person's experience and offer appropriate repair. These amends often feel manipulative because they are designed to make the person making amends feel better rather than to help the person who was harmed.

Excessive Detail: Some people provide unnecessarily detailed accounts of harmful behavior, believing that complete confession is always helpful. However, graphic details often retraumatize people who were harmed and should be shared only when specifically requested or when necessary for understanding.

Demanding Forgiveness: Some people expect immediate forgiveness or reconciliation in response to their amends, becoming upset when others need time to process or choose not to restore the relationship immediately. Effective amends have no strings attached—we make them because they are the right thing to do, not because we expect specific responses.

Making Excuses: Some people undermine their amends by explaining the circumstances that led to their harmful behavior, as if understanding their motivations should reduce the impact of their actions. While context can be helpful, it should never minimize our responsibility for the harm we caused.

Timing Insensitivity: Some people rush to make amends without considering whether the other person is prepared for such conversations. A person going through major life crises may not be able to handle amends conversations appropriately, and forcing such timing can cause additional harm.

Perfectionism: Some people avoid making amends because they cannot find perfect words or perfect solutions to the problems they caused. This perfectionism is often another form of avoidance. Imperfect amends offered with sincerity are usually better than perfect amends that never happen.

The Ongoing Nature of Living Amends

Many of our most important amends are not one-time conversations but ongoing demonstrations of changed character. These living amends continue throughout our recovery and beyond, proving through accumulated evidence that we have become trustworthy people.

Living amends to our families involve being consistently present, reliable, and honest in our daily interactions. We participate fully in family life, support others during difficulties, and contribute positively to the household's emotional and practical wellbeing.

Living amends to our work communities involve demonstrating professionalism, competence, and integrity that gradually rebuilds our reputation. We become people our colleagues can depend on and our employers can trust with important responsibilities.

Living amends to our broader communities involve contributing positively through service, volunteering, or other forms of civic engagement. We become people who add value to society rather than merely consuming resources or creating problems.

Amends to Ourselves

An often-overlooked aspect of Step Nine involves making amends to ourselves for the self-harm we caused through our drinking and related behavior. We harmed our health, wasted our potential, damaged our relationships, and undermined our integrity. These self-inflicted injuries also deserve acknowledgment and repair.

Making amends to ourselves involves taking better care of our physical health, developing our neglected talents and interests, building positive relationships, and living according to our values. We cannot undo the opportunities we lost or the damage we caused to our own lives, but we can commit to treating ourselves with the respect and care we deserve going forward.

This self-directed amends process helps us develop the self-respect necessary for maintaining recovery. People who continue to treat themselves badly often return to drinking because they don't believe they deserve better. Learning to care for ourselves appropriately provides a foundation for all other recovery work.

The Spiritual and Secular Dimensions of Amends

For those incorporating spiritual elements into their recovery, amends represent a form of confession, repentance, and restitution that aligns them with divine will and universal principles of justice and compassion. The process demonstrates their commitment to living according to spiritual values rather than selfish impulses.

For those preferring secular approaches, amends represent practical accountability, evidence-based conflict resolution, and commitment to ethical behavior that serves the broader community. The process demonstrates their evolution from self-centered people who caused harm to responsible community members who repair damage and contribute positively.

Whether understood spiritually or secularly, amends represent our commitment to integrity, accountability, and service. They prove that we have changed not only our relationship with alcohol but our fundamental approach to relationships and responsibility.

When Amends Are Rejected

Not everyone will accept our amends graciously, and we must be prepared for rejection, anger, or continued distrust. Some people have been hurt too deeply to forgive easily. Others may not believe that our changes are permanent. Still others may have moved on with their lives and prefer not to revisit painful experiences.

All of these responses are understandable and valid. Our job is to make sincere amends, not to control how others receive them. When amends are rejected, we can:

- Respect the other person's decision without argument or manipulation
- Continue demonstrating changed behavior through our actions rather than our words
- Leave the door open for future reconciliation without pressuring for immediate response
- Focus on other relationships where our amends are welcomed and appreciated
- Remember that we made amends for our own integrity, not for others' approval

Rejected amends still serve their purpose if they were made sincerely. We have cleared our conscience, taken responsibility for our actions, and demonstrated our commitment to different behavior. Whether others accept our efforts is beyond our control and does not diminish the value of making the attempt.

Integration with Ongoing Recovery

Step Nine integrates with all other aspects of recovery by providing concrete evidence of our transformation. When we consistently make appropriate amends for mistakes, people begin to trust us again. When we reliably follow through on commitments made during amends conversations, our credibility is gradually restored.

The amends process also teaches us skills that support long-term recovery: taking responsibility quickly when we make mistakes, communicating honestly about difficult topics, managing difficult emotions without running away, and maintaining relationships through consistent behavior rather than dramatic gestures.

These skills become part of our daily recovery practice. We make prompt amends for minor mistakes before they become major problems. We address conflicts directly rather than letting resentments build. We take responsibility for our impact on others rather than focusing only on our intentions.

Conclusion

Step Nine represents the practical demonstration of everything we have learned in the previous eight Steps. It proves through concrete actions that we have changed, that we take responsibility for our behavior, and that we are committed to living with integrity rather than just staying sober.

The process is challenging because it requires facing people we have hurt, acknowledging painful truths, and risking rejection or continued distrust. But it is also profoundly liberating because it frees us from the burden of unfinished business and guilt that could threaten our recovery.

When we complete Step Nine thoroughly and honestly, we discover that we can face the consequences of our past behavior without drinking. We learn that most people appreciate sincere efforts to make amends, even when they cannot immediately offer forgiveness. We find that taking responsibility for our actions increases rather than diminishes our sense of personal power and integrity.

Most importantly, Step Nine teaches us that recovery is not just about stopping drinking but about becoming people who contribute positively to the world around us. We learn to repair harm when we cause it, to take responsibility for our impact on others, and to live with the kind of integrity that makes amends unnecessary.

Through Step Nine, we discover that accountability is not punishment but freedom—freedom from guilt, freedom to build authentic relationships, and freedom to live according to our deepest values. We made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others, and in doing so we found that honesty, courage, and humility can transform not only our own lives but our relationships with everyone around us.